Archive for February 11th, 2009

One of the most popular and truly horrible forms of family entertainment is the Talking Animal Movie. You take a loveable dog, and a cat, and maybe a chimpanzee, and give them the secret ability to talk to people (or among themselves). These heroic critters typically make some sort of perilous journey, encountering dangerous road hazards, precariously balanced wooden crates full of watermelons, and mean dog catchers who have the outrageous temerity to be doing their job. In these cases, the animals are usually voiced by popular “celebrities”, but that’s purely a contextual statement.

What Hollywood producers don’t seem to realize is that adding voices to cuddly critters has the unfortunate side effect of being so utterly saccharine that it raised the blood sugar levels of everyone watching the movie. Over ten million cases of childhood diabetes can be traced back to matinee viewings of Snow Dogs alone. This can generally be countered by a hearty dose of kung-fu movies, horror films, and grindhouse flicks, but parents are usually hesitant to let their sons and daughters watch such fare, leading to the current medical crisis. Don’t fall into this trap: avoid Kangaroo Jack at all costs.

Some talking animal films to avoid:

Francis the Talking Mule
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey
Dr. Doolittle
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties
Goose on the Loose
The Karate Dog
Bailey’s Billions
Good Boy!


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