BAD DAY – Dubai Car Pile-Up

The day: March 12, 2008

You’ve probably seen some bad car accidents in your day. You might have witnessed a car collide with a lamp post, or even watched a truck flip over several times. It is unlikely that you have ever seen anything as bad as the Dubai car pile-up, however, in which 227 cars and 12 buses all smashed together in what is widely considered to be the worst traffic accident in history.

The source of the accident was quite simple: people were speeding and weather conditions were terrible. One car tried to apply the brakes but couldn’t in time, leading him to smash into the driver ahead, which then rammed into a truck, which sliced into a big rig, which smashed into multiple cars, and so forth, and so on, creating an automotive Rube-Goldberg device that would be a wonder to behold if not for the half mile of flaming wreckage.

Remarkably, only five people were killed, though this was slightly offset by the fact that 347 people were horribly injured. To say nothing of the people who were late for dentist appointments and music lessons because of the horribly apocalyptic scene. All in all, a pretty bad day.

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BAD CLOTHES – Bell Bottoms

Bell Bottoms are one of the more horrible fashion styles from the 1970’s. This is also when white jump suits became popular, so as you can imagine, there was some pretty stiff competition. They looked exactly like they sounded – take a perfectly good set of pants, and make them incredibly wide from the knees on down. So wide, in fact, that you can smuggle a baby hippopotamus inside them without anyone being the wiser. This was considered cool by people for some reason (most likely, the large amount of hallucinogens being imbibed at the time.)

One would normally hope that such a hideous fashion would die out, but much like the weeds on your front lawn and Eddie Murphy’s career, they keep coming back. Nowadays, bell bottoms tend to be known as “flare-leg” jeans, mostly because the term is more palatable to the masses. But let’s be frank: other than a little less tightness in the knees, they’re the exact same pants. If you can play Carol of the Bells with your jeans, they’re goddamn bell bottoms, so stop trying to pretend otherwise.

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BAD SPORTS – Mayan Ball Game

Most extreme sports are a misnomer. They may involve a skinned knee here or there, or the occasional black eye, but that’s it. They’re really not extreme at all, and are refer to a bunch of snowboarders drinking Mountain Dew while giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up for the camera.

Not so with the Mayan ball game. This ancient sport was played for thousands of years throughout Mesoamerica, and had great religious significance. The basic objective was to knock a rubber ball into the opponent’s side of the court by hitting it with the abdomen, thighs, or upper arms. Kicking or throwing the ball was not allowed. Gameplay was said to be incredibly violent as well, with players often ramming into each other at top speed in hopes of causing serious injury or death. This was not only allowed, it was actively encouraged by the referees.

Winning the ball game was great. The victors were treated with tremendous respect by the populace, because they had demonstrated they possessed the favor of the gods (Tlacolotl was supposedly a huge fan). The losers, meanwhile, got to have their hearts ripped out in a brutal blood ceremony on top of a stone pyramid. To add insult to injury, the high priests would then use the skull of the captain of the losing team to make the core of a new ball. As you might guess, players of the game were really motivated to give it their all.

There is some evidence that many of the ball games were fixed. War captives were often forced to play against the royal guard, and if it looked like they had a chance to win, a stray spear would be accidentally chucked from the audience into the offending player. FIFA is examining these allegations, and there is expected to be a press statement shortly.

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