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Archive for the ‘Bad Accessories’ Category

Nacho
People love nachos. People need wallets. Ergo, it makes sense that if you combine the two, you will have a marvelous fashion accessory and stumbled onto greatness. That is, until you actually see the nacho wallet (by Israeli designer Anat Safran), and a little piece of your soul dies. Specifically, the part that held out that maybe, just maybe, there was some small amount of fashion sense left in the world and you didn’t have to completely give up on the human race.

The nacho wallet, in truth, is just one piece of a horrible puzzle. You can purchase hats that look like a giant sunflower. Handbags that are shaped like a cheeseburger. Any normal person who sees these things immediately shrinks back and grabs for the holy water, but there are those who look at them and think, “Hey! I bet those watermelon sunglasses would make me a real hit with the ladies!” For them, there’s nothing ironic about these purchase decisions, and as long as they continue to shell out their money for bad fashion accessories, they’ll continue to be manufactured for the masses.

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pocket-protector
You always want to have a pen with you – it’s just common sense. Storing them in your shirt can be somewhat problematic, though, so it might be a good idea to put the pens inside a pocket protector. That way, if they suddenly reach critical mass and explode, you don’t have to worry about a shirt full of blue ink. The pocket protector will gladly absorb the damage, and all you have to deal with is getting repeatedly beaten up for your lunch money because you’re using a pocket protector.

The white plastic devices became a classic symbol of nerddom, and could be regularly seen on skinny computer programmers and the hopelessly unfashionable. They were ugly, inelegant, and the perfect accessory to go with taped-up glasses and cow-lick hair. Of course, the people who wore them now own major software companies and go on vacation every month to the Caribbean, so perhaps there’s something more to pocket protectors than has otherwise been considered.

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grills
Braces are an awkward rite of passage in many adolescents lives. Most people tend to get them around middle school, right at the same time that everyone else has suddenly shot up three feet and hair has begun to appear in strange and unexpected places. Braces only add to this embarrassment, and teenagers who wear them often try to hide their existence by keeping their mouths shut as much as possible and refusing to answer questions in class. When people ask them if something is wrong, they respond with an uncomfortable, “Mrmm Hmrmm Mrmr?”

It is thus somewhat ironic that grills are viewed as a legitimate fashion accessory. Outkast, Ludacris, Lil John, and other famous hip hop artists have intentionally purchased these faux braces on the assumption that they are a symbol of financial success. What they really represent is conspicuous consumption and bad judgment on the part of the purchaser. They serve no purpose other than to get bits of food stuck into them, and consistent use may result in gum disease or bone loss. A small price to pay, it would seem, to look like the skinny kid you used to make fun of back in gym class.

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mood-ring1

Mood rings are, without a doubt, one of the best symbols of the 1970’s. They were invented by Marvin Wernick, a jewelry entrepreneur who, through a remarkable chance of fate, happened to travel with a doctor friend one day to an emergency visit. He saw him apply a temperature-gauging strip to a child’s forehead, and realized that the same could be done for junk jewelry. Nothing like that had ever been done before, so he quickly designed and released the garish product to the public, and by the middle of the decade he had become a millionaire.

Each mood ring possessed a thermotropic crystal that changed color depending on body fluctuations and (supposedly) a person’s mood. Dark colors represented negative emotions, such as stress or anger, while light colors represented a sense of inner peace. This was extremely helpful, because otherwise a person might have had no idea that they were feeling sad and gone on to have a productive day filled with good company and exciting opportunities instead of moping around the house all afternoon.

The Mood Ring color explanation chart:

Green – Mellow
Blue – Just a little tense
Purple – Teeth grinding, some shouting
Amber – Puppies should probably avoid you
Grey – A trail of smashed trash cans is left in your wake
Black – You’ll kill a man just to watch him die

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Fanny packs first appeared on the fashion scene in the early 1990’s. These small fabric pouches were worn on the side of the waist, and allowed people to have immediate access to their migraine medication, lip balm, chewing gum, tweezers, car keys, breath mints, comb, nail clipper, batteries, dental floss, sonic screwdriver, and so on. It’s remarkable how much stuff could be stuffed into them. All in all, they were fairly convenient devices, and some are still sold today, so what could possibly be wrong with them?

To start with, there’s the name. It has the word ‘fanny’ in it. That should be most people’s first warning sign. Then there’s the fact that anyone who wears one looks like a complete tool. It doesn’t matter if you’re dressed in the latest styles or no style at all – having a fanny pack instantly renders you into the same social level as the people who ran the Audio/Visual club. There’s security concerns as well, because pouches that face the rear can be pickpocketed without too much difficulty. Remember: if someone unscrupulous person tries to sell you a fanny pack, just say NO.

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One of the more common fashion accessories to appear in recent years has been the tiny yapping dog. Made popular by such amazing visionaries as Paris Hilton and Tara Reid, these miniature canines can be found under the arms of popular celebrities and blonde sorority girls across the nation. Their diminutive size makes them ideal for fitting into Gucci handbags, and their constant high-pitched barking ensures that all eyes will be permanently focused on you. They are also quite good at adding a little yellow splash to a sidewalk in order to spruce up the color of an area.

Now, these toy dogs did not naturally occur on their own. They were the result of hundreds of years of selective breeding, in which useful traits (strength, tracking skills, the ability to devour a burglar who has broken into one’s home) were replaced with tiny size and the maximum amount of hyperactivity possible. They are a perfect example of form over function, with the form being that of a large rodent and the function being to run around in circles for several minutes before getting sick on your shoes. Be prepared for constant cooing and shaking of the little dogs whenever such an adorable thing occurs.

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