Archive for the ‘Bad Consumerism’ Category

Salad Shooter
Kitchen appliances tend to be fairly standard and boring, if you actually take a look at them. Toasters, blenders, waffle irons… sure, they fulfill their function with speed and efficiency, but they don’t have any zazz. To spruce things up a little, you may want to consider purchasing a salad shooter (as seen on 3 A.M. infomercials.) This amazing product is sold by Presto and capable of launching salad projectiles into your bowl from over ten feet away! Or, two feet, actually, but it does get a fair degree of momentum.

You might be wondering the actual purpose of such a device is. Do lettuce and carrot sticks that have been shot through the air at a high velocity taste better in some magical way? Well, no. But it looks cool! Sort of. It also slices up veggies, which as we all know is nigh on impossible provided your society hasn’t invented the knife yet. The salad shooter is therefore a product that no home should be without. Simply store it next to the Slap Chop, Inside-the-Shell Egg Scrambler, Dial-O-Matic, and other pieces of worthless junk that you’ve managed to accumulate over the years.


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Consider the following terrifying scenario: You’ve got a big meeting with the Boss, but a quick glance in the bathroom mirror reveals that your hair is just a little too long. You don’t have enough time to stop by the local Supercuts, and your future at the company is at stake. What do you do?

The answer is quite simple. Use Flowbee, the portable hair-trimming device!

You might be a little nervous at first. That’s natural. The Flowbee does look like a glorified ice scraper, and you have to attach it to a shop vac in order to obtain proper suction, but once that’s achieved, you simply stick the amazing contraption to the side of your head and let the tiny blades cut away. Should all go well, you’ll soon have a precision haircut and brand new position as junior partner. If your hand accidentally lingers a little too long with the personalized grooming, however, well… that’s what hats were designed for.

The Flowbee has gained a surprising degree of national attention. It can be seen in the movie “Wayne’s World”, where an obvious knock-off is used on the cable show to suck out Dana Carvey’s will to live (this would not ultimately occur until ten years later with the release of “The Master of Disguise”.) It has additionally been featured on Home Improvement, Party of Five, and Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Surely, it is just a matter of days before hair salons everywhere are run out of business by this truly extraordinary apparatus.

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Mall walking is a celebrated pastime in white suburbia. You get up early, head on down to the local shopping center, and spend the next fourteen hours staring at overpriced merchandise through storefront windows. Shoemakers saw this phenomenon, realized there was money to be had, and declared that in order to “properly” ambulate from a J.C. Penny to a Sunglasses Hut to a Cinnabon, you needed a set of Mall Walkers. The shoes retailed at $79.99 (plus tax), and were destined to be the next big thing.

Was there anything different about Mall Walkers to assist in their stated purpose, other than the name? Not really. They were just a pair of ordinary sneakers, and not even a good pair at that. Surprisingly enough, most people seemed to realize this, and the product never really took off like the makers hoped. There were a few soccer moms and mall rats who simply had to have them, however, and gladly shelled out the cash to have the official brand of shoes for people of questionable intelligence. You can even still find many versions involving hush puppies in several retail stores online.

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The idle rich often become quite frustrated when they first become parents. They’ve just had a darling child with precious golden locks and beautiful blue eyes, but soon find that there are no good clothing choices available. Sure, when they reach two years old they can dress them in the finest Louis Vitton imaginable, but until that point, all they have is boring disposable diapers. Not true. A wide range of designer diapers have been made for the affluent to purchase, offering incredible comfort and trusted brand labels for their beloved children to poop in.

Some of these diapers cost as much as $60 apiece. Considering how frequently most babies need to be changed, most families could buy a whole dining room set for just a few days worth of pull-ups. When you’re the heir to the world’s second largest bottle cap fortune and have a great deal of cash to burn, however, it doesn’t matter what most people could do with the money, just you. And to properly demonstrate to the world that you are a true member of the upper crust and not some upstart pretender, designer diapers are admittedly a good way to go.

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Sometimes, a diamond-encrusted dog collar just isn’t enough. You have to pamper your pet through methods that stray beyond silly to the completely ludicrous, and it was for these situations that ‘Molli’s Choice’, as well as ‘Thirsty Dog!’ and ‘Thirsty Cat!’ were conceived. No longer will your beloved Fifi have to drink tap water out of a dish like some sort of common animal; she can now wet her whistle with the finest bottled water available, despite the fact that there’s almost no way she cares about such things and would probably choose to roll around on a dead horse if given the opportunity.

The bottled water does have some unique characteristics. Many of the selections are artificially flavored (grilled chicken for cats, beef tenderloin for dogs), lightly carbonated, and vitamins have been added to provide vital nutrients. Advertising for ‘Thirsty Dog!’ even claims that the liquid is fit for human consumption, but if a person is buying bottled water for their pets, they’re probably just going to have Jeeves bring them a martini. You can purchase this bottled water right now if you wish, but if you really want to make your pet happy, a simple belly rub and scratch behind the ears should more than suffice.

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