Posts Tagged ‘Bad Food’


When times get tough, people are forced to spend less. They cut back on clothes, and haircuts, and most of all, food. Sure, it’s nice to eat a juicy steak, but you just can’t afford one at the moment. Spam is almost as good, right?

No. No it is not.

Spam is one of the most revolting foods on the planet. To simulate the taste, you simply need to purchase a ham, leave it out in the sun for three days, drop it in some puddle water, and then stomp on it with your foot.

The only redeeming factor about this food, and that term is used lightly, is that it can last pretty much forever. If a nuclear war occurs, you can rest assured that any spam you manage to scavenge will still be good several decades later. Mostly because even the radioactive cockroaches won’t touch it.

It should also noted that some people claim (particularly from the state of Hawaii) that spam is actually quite tasty. They say that if you fry it just right, and add a few spices, it can provide a delectable dish that can’t be beat. Of course, some people claim that Vanilla Ice was a misunderstood artist ahead of his time, so you should probably take such claims with a grain of salt.


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BAD FOOD – Haggis

Many great things have come from Scotland. There’s Sean Connery… David Tennant… Groundskeeper Willy… But something horrible has also spawned from that small island nation off the coast of England. A food so terrible, so vile, that anyone who tastes it (including the Scots themselves) has no choice but to turn a sickly shade of green and immediately run for the nearest bathroom, where they’ll be spending the next three to five days in complete physical agony. This food is known as haggis.

Here’s how to make it: take a sheep’s stomach, rinse thoroughly, and soak overnight in salt water. Once that’s done, boil the sheep’s heart, lungs, and tongue for two hours. Stuff this delightful mixture into the stomach, and sew it shut with a shoelace. Cook for another three hours, and serve to your guests. If you can somehow stomach this nauseating meal, then congratulations! You have a cast iron stomach, and obviously suffer from delusional psychosis.

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BAD FOOD – Olestra

Olestra is a rather unique food additive. It’s an artificial fat substance that can pass through the digestive system without automatically being absorbed, which basically means you can devour a whole bag of chips without having to spend the next four hours on the elliptical machine at the gym. It also has the same general taste as fat, so you don’t lose any of the delicious greasy flavor. This would normally make it a highly desirable substance to add to most foods, if it weren’t for one minor drawback: it may cause “anal leakage”.

Just what does this entail? Your imagination can probably fill in the details, but suffice it to say, it’s probably a good idea to wear Depends if you suddenly get a case of the munchies. Proctor and Gamble (the makers of Olestra) tried to downplay the unexpected stool samples, but the public remained wary. This would not change until 2003, when the company did not get rid of the additive, but rather successfully persuaded the FDA to remove the warning labels from the product. Any bowel movements that you experience these days after eating a whole bag of Fritos is surely just a coincidence.

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BAD FOOD – Bambeanos

Bambeanos was a delicious snack food that first appeared on supermarket shelves in 1975. The product was made up of roasted and artificially flavored soybeans, traditionally known for their healthy effect on the human body. Bambeanos was known for causing excessive flatulence. Something about the dietary makeup of the cuisine had a unusually deleterious effect on the digestive system, especially in regards to the expenditure of gas, leading to numerous awkward moments on first dates and unfortunate meetings in the board room with important clients.

As might be expected, the food item sold horribly. People weren’t willing to put up with the odious side effects, even with a 50% off sale on clothespins, and less than 25,000 cases of Bambeanos were sold. It was eventually pulled off the shelves by Colgate-Palmolive, leading to a lawsuit by the original contractor. This, combined with the original price of research and development, would cost the company over 1.3 million dollars; a sign that maybe, next time, they ought to consider the reeking ramifications of a product made entirely out of roasted beans.

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BAD FOOD – Fugu Fish

Fugu Fish is one of the most famous and distinguished meals in Japanese cuisine. A dish typically costs around 5000 yen (roughly $50), though a full meal can easily cost four times that amount. The fish is renowned for its taste and texture, at least among gourmands – some people who eat it find it to be bland and unappealing. They are in the minority, though, and Fugu is so popular in Japan that there are usually at least one or two restaurants in each major city dedicated to the fish. Oh, and if it’s prepared wrong, you’ll be dead within 24 hours.

It turns out that the reason for the delectable taste is that the Fugu fish contains deadly amounts of the poison tetrodotoxin. There is no known antidote, so if your chef slips up and includes some in your savory meal, then it’s time to update your will and start listening to the Bible as read by Larry King. Despite this notorious danger, food connoisseurs in Japan (and several other nations) regularly line up for a chance to feast upon the perilous puffer fish. The morbidity is part of the thrill, and if a few dozen people have to keel over each year for them to enjoy it, then so be it.

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Men and women who lived in past centuries had to face a huge number of problems: famine, Viking attacks, the possibility that Goodie Proctor would accuse them of being a witch… Far worse than any of these, however, was the fact that their food was so darn slow. It took forever to prepare, we’re talking hours here, and there wasn’t any decent method of refrigeration available (unless you lived in the Norway), so you had to make nearly everything from scratch.

Fast food helped bring an end to all that. It started with the Automat in New York, which offered pre-made meals at surprisingly low prices. People appreciated the convenience, so the concept caught on and other fast food restaurants began to spring up across the nation. It soon became possible to get a hamburger and fries in just a few short minutes, through a revolutionary process known as letting the food simmer all day under the hot lights until someone decides to order one.

Unfortunately, fast food also happens to be remarkably less healthy than regular meals. The Double Six Dollar Burger at Carl’s Jr. has 1560 calories alone. A Chocolate Milkshake at McDonald’s has 1160 calories, and even the healthy choices tend to be bad for you, with the Southwestern Salad at Jack in the Box clocking in at 870 calories, though that’s mostly just the Ranch dressing.

The result can be seen all around you. America, quite frankly, is a large nation, and a huge number of its citizens suffer from obesity and heart disease. It’s also doubtful that this will change any time soon. People absolutely love their triple decker hamburgers with double cheese and four strips of bacon and slathered mayonnaise and a fried egg on top, and if you want them to give such tasty meals up, you’re going to have to pry it out of their cold dead hands. So you should have it by next Tuesday.

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